Am I Crazy?

Am I crazy? The question rattled around in my brain and down to my heart. The silence was deafening. My heart beat quickened as I twisted myself into a pretzel. Stomach on the bed, rear in the air, twisting enough to get that injection in my hip. I knew I didn’t want the soreness putting the needle in my leg would cause.

The pinch of the needle and sting of the medicine didn’t answer my question. In fact I wondered if the hormones were making me mad. Mood swings – anger, happiness, grief – they all blurred together. I wondered what others thought of me. I felt raw, on edge, ready to pounce. My sore rear-end and abdomen full of holes testified to the unnatural way to conception. The hope of new life in my womb did little to ease the fears of what-ifs. My heart told my mind it didn’t know if I could handle it. My mind told my heart to buck up. My heart rebelled. It was a battle inside…

Looking back I still wonder. Was I crazy? Crazy to take hormones that made my ovaries so huge I was in severe pain. Pain that reminded me of my tubal pregnancies – of my losses. Was I losing this baby too? Could the unthinkable happen and one of my embryos float into my tube? Was I going to lose another one?

Crazy to think that frozen babies would never steal my heart the way the ones in my belly did. I read the literature, knew the side effects, I practically became an expert myself. Yet I didn’t know. I couldn’t have seen the way in-vitro fertilization would affect me, my husband, and my children. I never imagined myself discussing my menstrual cycle with one of the pastors at my church, but that’s what IVF did.

Would I tell someone go for it – fertility treatments are so worth it? Well, yes and no. My final answer is that I would never in a million years wish IVF on my worst enemy. Never. EVER! However I look at my two miracles, my IVF babes the ones I got to hold in my arms as well as my womb and heart and I know it was worth it.

Many others don’t have my storybook ending. Many end up broke and childless. So is IVF the answer? I would argue it may be an answer. I urge you to pray for wisdom and direction. I urge you to go into these treatments with open eyes, open hearts, open hands. I believed God was in control, I knew He would not give us more than we could handle and I prayed we would know when it was time to say we are done.

I’ll be honest, my heart says we are not done, but my mind knows for the sake of our finances, for the sake of our children, for the sake of my body we can’t do it again. My husband agrees.

The question remains…Am I crazy since I still want more?

Please pray for infertile couples. It is a difficult road. If you are infertile please let me pray for you by leaving a prayer request in the comments. The comment button is located under the title of each post.

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