Healing

God some days my sinful heart can’t see past my circumstances.
There seems to be a hole in my heart.
Disappointments tear, frustrations rip, emotions sear.
Tension mounts and all I see is me. . .
This stumbling fumbling woman who can’t get herself together.
Desperately I flail at those around me.
If only I tell myself. . .
If only. . .
my kids wouldn’t fuss.
my husband would wash the dishes.
my friends would call me.
my hair would lay right.
In the far away world of “If-Only” there my perfect peace resides.
God, I make myself an idol.
As if I could bring myself peace.
If I could control the world then all would be right.
Oh but God I forget I am stumbling.
My way is not the right way and my way does not bring peace.
Still I hold tight to what I want and how I want it.
I cling to “shoulds” like I know what should have been. . . if only. . .
And I circle around myself, my way, my choices, sure of myself.
I mourn for things You never planned for me.
I sink low clawing and clinging to a purpose You never gave me.
Oh, that I would lay it all down at Your feet.
Perhaps that is why I stumble. . . So I have to lay down at Your feet.
Low, on the ground, in desperate need of Your grace.
Maybe it is there, face flat on the ground, that I can finally pry my hands open.
There with face in the mud I finally let go of the idol I make of me and let You fill me.
Oh that I would willingly bring myself low instead of You having to force me there.
To humble myself before You, take my eyes off myself and my circumstances.
There You heal my raw heart and breathe hope into the dark places.