Wrestling with God: The Series… When God is Silent

I am excited to introduce you to my friend Jessica Kirkland. I asked her to share a time that she wrestled with God over some of her health problems. She is a mother of triplets (yes I said triplets), a soon to be realtor, and woman who loves God. She has a great head for business and I truly admire her. I hope you are blessed by what she has written. So without further ado:

When God is Silent
By Jessica Kirkland

The fog had settled in and it was magnificently disguised. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I felt off, odd, in pieces–like a stranger had taken up residence in my soul. I was a newlywed who had just married her Prince. We had everything we needed and should have been on the fast track to our happily ever after. Until one day, my Prince was left wondering what in the world happened to his Cinderella.

I was perpetually in a haze. Normal activities that I once enjoyed became check marks on a to do list. I felt as if my personality had been erased. Like a broken record, thoughts of self-loathing and condemnation filled up my brain. At night, I couldn’t get to sleep fast enough, because the day was so mentally and physically exhausting. It was like I had been the victim of mental identity theft, but had no reason or person to persecute for the crime.

This new me made no sense. She was a total contradiction to the first 20 years of my life. This girl could get nothing done. This girl could not keep her mind from racing out of control with fear. I felt powerless and I was sinking fast. And most troubling–I felt like my prayers were hitting the ceiling. I needed God to be who He had always been to me; the BIG God who protected me, fought for me, and blessed me.

But, God was silent.

So, I did what every rational Christian girl does who can’t connect with God, I confessed every sin from the womb to that day, and then some. I even confessed things I hadn’t done (just in case).

Still, God was silent.

I was confused. How does this happen? I was a good girl, not perfect, but I always tried to please God. I knew that God’s word said in Hebrews 13:5 that He “would never leave me nor forsake me.”  But, I felt forsaken. I felt deceived and abandoned.  So, I did the only other thing that I knew to do. I prayed continuously and I read my Bible from the time I came home at night until bedtime. I clung to the truth. I didn’t feel it in my heart, and I couldn’t hold a thought in my mind, but I held on until my knuckles were white. As I wrestled with God about my circumstances, I tried to remain obedient. I knew if there was any chance for restoration and peace; it would only come from the Prince of Peace himself.

It would take me an entire year to realize that this monster was called depression. The culprit: birth control pills. I had saved myself for marriage and thought that birth control was the next step for all married couples. One day, I flipped over the instructions on those little pills and read the warning “can cause severe mental depression.” Ya think?  And as soon as I quit taking them, the old me returned.  The season of life that I thought had destroyed me, actually made me more like the One who had formed me.  He had not forsaken me after all. And although He remained silent for a season, He was there all along.

“He sent from on high, He took me; He drew me out of many waters. He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the Lord was my stay. He brought me forth also into a broad place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me.”  Psalm 18:16-19

Jessica Kirkland, lives in Southeast Texas with her husband, Robb, and five-year-old triplets. She has a heart for writing and enjoys sharing her testimony about God’s activity in tough circumstances. She addresses topics concerning family, faith, women’s health, and intercessory prayer.

Are you wrestling with God over health issues? Would you like to share so we can pray for you?

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